To look at me, you would never think I am a religious person. I am not going to lie, I have my vices. But I am trying to be a better person and given that we are all flawed, that is about as much as anyone can hope to do in this life.

The concept of forgiveness is probably the hardest one to come to terms with for me. By and by we come in contact with situations where it is relatively easy to forgive another person who has done us wrong. Someone scratched your new car, it was an accident, you are upset, but you get over it.

Someone says something inappropriate to you, but apologizes and while you don’t wipe the slate clean right away, over time you forgive and forget.

But what about the big things? Could I forgive a drunk driver who killed a loved one, could I forgive a murderer, a pedophile, a terrorist? These are the really big things that separate the men from the boys spiritually speaking. Could I do it? Can I in good faith call myself a Christian if I can’t answer yes to that question… the unfortunate thing is that I can’t have it both ways.

We can’t do what Christ teaches when its convenient to us. It doesn’t apply conditionally, just like God’s love isn’t given conditionally. I’d like to think I could forgive someone of any offense over time, the nature of that offense might take me a lifetime to get over, but I think I could do it. I hope I could do it.

I think the problem most Christians have when they think about this kind of extreme forgiveness is that we have a tendency to look to our own strength as a measure of what we can and cannot forgive. I think at some point a person realizes that they can give themselves over to God’s will, and rely on his strength and to get you through a tough time.

We all remember the poem about the footprints in the sand…

Footprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed
that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from
anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most, you have not been there for me?”

The Lord replied,
“The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand,
is when I carried you.”
Mary Stevenson

Almost as difficult, maybe even more difficult is being able to forgive yourself. I myself find myself racked by guilt many times wondering if I truly am sorry for what I have done. To put it simply, I don’t feel like I should be forgiven, the guilt of knowing what I have done is there haunting me.

An insightful gent from an Alpha class my wife and I are attending said quite poignantly — “Guilt is one of the greatest tools the devil has at his disposal”. I believe that to be a true and accurate statement, guilt has the uncanny ability to make us feel unworthy of God’s forgiveness and pushes us away from him.

Sitting here, writing this, it all makes perfect sense. Of course I should let it go, be comforted that I have been forgiven… and yet, it just doesn’t work out that way when I find myself in that situation. I can only hope that time grants me something I else besides wiping away painful memories — wisdom.

This has been a pretty excited time for Brotherhood of the Bean, my Coffee product & culture blog. For a long time I have worked to develop it into a coffee resource that offers valuable product and culture insights. In truth it has been a lot of fun.

Some time ago I became aware of the 9rules blog network, from what I saw I knew it was the community for me. The problem was that thousands of others had the same idea. So I decided to sit back and enjoy the community while I waited for my application to be reviewed.

Along the way I found some of the most interesting people on the web, and with the newly available notes feature, I could communicate my thoughts with them. I thought it was pretty cool.

You can imagine my pride and excitement when I was invited to become a member. To have Brotherhood of the Bean recognized as being being of a high enough caliber for 9rules means a lot to me.

For those of you wondering what 9rules is all about:
9rules is a place where members and readers can connect, build relationships, gain exposure, learn new things, and have fun. 9rules started in 2003 with a set of 9 rules:

1. Love what you do.
2. Never stop learning.
3. Form works with function.
4. Simple is beautiful.
5. Work hard, play hard.
6. You get what you pay for.
7. When you talk, we listen.
8. Must constantly improve.
9. Respect your inspiration.

Ever get in a funk from time to time? I am generally a pretty easy going person, but from time to time I just get a little morose. And I know exactly what is fueling this feeling … Fear of being ordinary.

Fear that I am not a special flower destined to bloom and fill the world with wonder. Fear that there is nothing special about me, nothing that I am destined to excel at, or have others find desire to have. Fear that I am ordinary, borderline if not completely mediocre.

Every time I think about think maybe I will never be great at something, a bit or me dies. And its utterly stupid because I think I am a great father, and know its something I can do that will inspire confidence in my son which could in turn be what makes him excel.

Why isn’t that enough to sustain me? Its human nature I guess. Being a great father is a selfless job, something you do out of love, something that you don’t expect anything in return for.

And thats the crux of the matter really. Love is selfless, ambition and the desire for praise is self sustaining, mental masturbation if you will for our ego’s.

What I need to do is realize that even if I never accomplish anything else in this world other than being a great father, I will have accomplished more than any temporary praise or fame I might receive from lesser pursuits.

I think one of the greatest gifts of getting old is the ability to look back on your life and ponder why you acted a certain way or developed a certain habit or way of life. One of the things that I have noticed about myself is that I tend to be hopefully pessimistic about things.

That is to say that I am hopeful that things will go my way and work out, but prepared from the start for the very real possibility that it will fail. Looking back at the emotional roller-coaster that Karin and I rode for years trying to conceive, its no real shocker that I tend to hold this view.

I think its also a reason why I am so varied in my interests and hobbies. If I try something and hate it, I can just move onto something else. No pressure, no worry of failure.

Once in a while, everyone needs to step outside of their comfort zone. Today is my day. With the ever growing wait times in China, we decided to start a concurrent adoption for an eight year old girl from Taiwan named Chia-Jung.

We fell in love with her story and knew she was destined to be our daughter. So we applied to adopt her. We were one of five families under consideration. Yesterday we were told that they have narrowed the number of families down to three, and that we were one of the three.

They had additional questions for ourselves and one other family. What did this mean? Did they like the two who were asked more questions better than the one who did not? Or did it just mean that we needed to provide more information to match the one not asked? Maddening questions to contemplate. So, we provided our answers to the best of our ability and sent the paperwork off to be sent to Taiwan.

Normally I would try to not think about the process during the waiting period. I would assume that we would not be chosen, and prepare myself accordingly. Self, I say… SCREW THAT! I am going to hope and pray and wish and dream and invest myself emotionally with all of my will bent on the assumption that we will be chosen.

When or not we are chosen, I expect to be flooded by unbridled emotion. It will either by joy or grief, that much I know. What I refuse to do this time is wall myself off from the potential pain. All I have to say is…. You better bring it!