ELEVEN 22

omnia causa fiunt

Spring Fever

April8

I have been a bad blogger, I freely admit this much. As you can see, my last update to Eleven 22 was ages ago. In the blog world I did the equivalent of falling off the face of the Earth.

Surprisingly enough, I can’t tell you why. I suspect it had to do with the holiday bustle, winter, the numerous colds, strep throat encounters and general malaise.

One could mix in a bit of depression (mild) I suppose. I didn’t feel depressed, but I always tend to think about my Mother more during the holidays. The pain of her loss has faded to something more like a muted sadness.

More than likely, I was just burned out. I should have posted that I was taking a break, I just didn’t know at the time that I was. Ah well, let’s talk about Spring.

I have a Fever! Spring fever (I have a vision of Christopher Walken in my head right now). We start off Winter strong, its cold, our life seems to crystallize right before our eyes.

Most people hate Winter, I rather enjoy it, or should I say I enjoy the cold. As a person perpetually hot (note to self — lose weight you fool!) the cold weather lets me wear more clothes that I would normally never attempt in lesser weather.

Of course this freedom does not come with potential perils, Winter also heralds the “over heated house” syndrome that most people impose upon their thermostat.

You know what I mean, you enter a house that feels good the minute you step in from the cold, and quickly turns to a suffocating, overbearing heat. “Oh crap!” you think to yourself, as you mentally go over the layers of clothes you are wearing trying to decide which to lose first and in a manner that doesn’t offend your host.

Winter also amplifies the complaints of the terminally cold. My wife is one such person, hates the cold, hates everything about it, and is terminally cold. Doesn’t matter if we are outside or in, she is cold.

This leads to an internal struggle in my home my wife’s desire to turn our house into a sauna, and my desire to keep it pauperesquely cold. What then are the results of this struggle?

My house is a sauna, and I end up wearing a t-shirt and shorts inside the entire Winter. Yes, I am king of my castle (sic)!

But back to Spring, things are fresh, the air has a clean pure taste and feel on the skin. Cool hints of the failing Winter can be felt. Its like a green version of Fall with a healthy peppering of rain on the side.

And after the transition of Winter from white wonderland to urban gray snow, it comes as no surprise to me that everyone goes nuts the second they can run around outside in clothes that a more suited for Summer.

Death followed by rebirth. The endless cycle of the seasons. And so I have returned from my version of a blog death. Hopefully reborn, rejuvenated and ready to blog with a new perspective that only Spring can bring.

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Relax.. Read a Book.

October15

That’s really what I should do. What has me worried/somewhat distressed? My son’s interest in schoolwork, in particular reading and writing. Some of you know I have a largely useless degree in English, both in relation to my job (computer geek), and my writing (largely atrocious and riddled with errors). But I do love to read, and do so whenever I can.

This struggle mind you is in my head; on the outside I am nothing but supportive, calm and reassuring; on the inside I fight battles with myself over how I can best help him to learn. Over what things I can do to help him, and ways I can spark his interest in learning.

And what I realize is that its my own passion for reading that is fueling my desire for him to learn to read. I guess on some level I can’t wait for him to read. I loved to read as a child, and its something that I want to share with him.

Which is a great thing… but why is it driving me nuts? I guess it’s no different than potty training. It will happen in time, just don’t push it. The teachers in his school are on the ball, and he gets extra time with a reading teacher so he has the best that he can get with my tax money.

And I have to remind myself that he is six and his attention span is short. The truth of the matter, as it suddenly occurs to me while writing this is that I see his disinterest in studying as an echo of how I used to feel about schoolwork, and it worries me that he might end up having those same feelings.

In what can only be the wheel coming full circle I find myself thinking about cutting back on TV time and video games, yes.. I have become my parents. And it’s funny as hell.

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A Melancholy Moment

August15

Ever get in a funk from time to time? I am generally a pretty easy going person, but from time to time I just get a little morose. And I know exactly what is fueling this feeling … Fear of being ordinary.

Fear that I am not a special flower destined to bloom and fill the world with wonder. Fear that there is nothing special about me, nothing that I am destined to excel at, or have others find desire to have. Fear that I am ordinary, borderline if not completely mediocre.

Every time I think about think maybe I will never be great at something, a bit or me dies. And its utterly stupid because I think I am a great father, and know its something I can do that will inspire confidence in my son which could in turn be what makes him excel.

Why isn’t that enough to sustain me? Its human nature I guess. Being a great father is a selfless job, something you do out of love, something that you don’t expect anything in return for.

And thats the crux of the matter really. Love is selfless, ambition and the desire for praise is self sustaining, mental masturbation if you will for our ego’s.

What I need to do is realize that even if I never accomplish anything else in this world other than being a great father, I will have accomplished more than any temporary praise or fame I might receive from lesser pursuits.

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Fur Tornado

June22

New Kitten The last time we had a kitten in our lives was 1994. My bride and I were living in Lincoln Park in Chicago, doing the things newlyweds did, and generally having a great time just living in the city.

One weekend we were down visiting Karin’s mother and came across some people with two kittens they were giving away. We immediately thought it would be a great idea to go from having no pets, to having two rambunctious kittens. After all, they were brothers how could we possible split them up?

For the next 14+ years they made us laugh, curse and occasionally cry. Some days we couldn’t imagine life without cats, others we looked forward to a time in the future when we would be pet free.

When their numbers finally did come up, it was after a long life. Our house had finally become pet free and we hated it. I started to want another cat again, first it was just a small desire but that desire quickly grew until getting another cat was inevitable.

My son (almost 6) wanted a kitten. I wanted a big old tomcat named Valentino who was a Savannah. The kitten was free, the tomcat was $1000. You can imagine which of the two we came home with first.

Once again there was a kitten in our life. Savagely sweet is a great way to describe him. We soon came to realize that a quiet kitten = a tired/hungry kitten, and everything else = time to stalk feet/attack and generally be a little fur tornado!

Kittens are so much fun.

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